A Whole New World Out There

So I watched Aladdin the other day. 

That movie’s awesome.

I have a vague recollection of seeing The Little Mermaid a few dozen times or so when I was little and I’m pretty sure I saw Oliver & Company in theaters.  That one to this day is one of my favorite movies—I mean, it has Billy Joel, talking animals, and it’s based on a Dickens’ novel, which, granted I didn’t learn or even appreciate until years later, but what more do I need?—but: when it really comes down to it, Aladdin was my first.

I’m not alone in this either.  I don’t mean Aladdin, but the idea of your first Disney movie.  That first one that really hits you, that you feel is yours.  For me it’s Aladdin.  Now before and after this were Beauty and the Beast and The Lion King, both amazing movies.  I’m not discounting those as important in the cinematic growth of a child or as part of the Disney Renaissance.  Those guys are awesome, those are up there.  But if Oliver and Ariel were just some cinematic dry-humping, it was Aladdin that popped my cherry.

Now, I’m going to tell you a secret.  I’m not sure I’ve told anyone this, and aside from my mother and myself, I’m not sure anyone knows. 

Usually when this question is asked I claim I don’t remember.   But for you, I suppose I can say it.  The Aladdin soundtrack… was the first CD I owned. 

I still have it.  It’s in my iTunes. 

I used to listen to it over and over.  And I would act it out, jumping all over the furniture, throwing myself over the couch, which I would pull out into the middle of the living room to more properly set my stage.  I’m sure I had a specific Aladdin costume I would wear on such occasions as well.  I was fucking adorable as a little kid.  I also had to play “A Whole New World” for my piano recital.  I’m not sure if that was my idea, or my piano teacher’s.  This shit is fact, I couldn’t make up , and I can’t change it now so I might as well own up to it.  Also, there’s probably a videotape of it somewhere.  I was a weird kid.

Anyways, Aladdin—love it.

Now, I was watching it the other day and it was still awesome, but it came up to the part where Aladdin and the Genie meet and they run through whole wish thing.  Genie throws out his provisos on the wishes.  You know them; he can’t kill anybody, so don’t ask; he can’t make anybody fall in love with anybody else; and he can’t bring people back from the dead.

Let us please reflect upon what it is Genie says about this raising the dead bit.

He says, “I can’t bring people back from the dead.  It’s not a pretty picture.  I don’t like doing it!”

To quote Genie just one more time, “Dost mine ears deceive me?”

I can’t.  It’s not.  I don’t.

So, in the span of explaining this rule he goes from not being able to raise the dead, to knowing its nasty and going all Pete Lorre meets George Romero, to not liking doing it.

Now, Al’s been living on the streets all his life, and the street rat may have street smarts, but apparently he doesn’t have a useless English degree under his sash (belt).  Not like this guy.  Not that you can see me pointing at myself.  And not that I have a sash on, I mean, I’m not wearing a homemade Aladdin costume or anything.  That would be crazy—that would just be—

So anyway:  Genie, what the fuck?

So can you raise the dead, or can’t you?  You claim you can’t but then say you don’t like to.  So which is it?  Can you do it, or are you just being a little bitch about it?  Furthermore, if you’re lying about this, what else are you lying about?  Can you make people fall in love? 

Half of this movie could have been avoided if you’d just manned—genied—up and zapped Jasmine.  What? Is that immoral?  Because I’m pretty sure the hero of this movie spent the majority of it lying straight to the Princess’ face so he could get in her pants. 

OK, so Jafar would still be running around seriously fucking up some shit instead of having been tricked into becoming a genie himself and being imprisoned in the lamp, so maybe the long way around that whole love thing was worth it.  But now that whole scenario is called into question too, isn’t it?

First of all, Genie has the power to create other genies?  I don’t know about that.  That doesn’t seem kosher.  I feel like that should definitely be on the list if Genie made a point earlier to say ixnay on wishing for more wishes.  If one can’t wish for more wishes one certainly shouldn’t be able to wish to become a genie, thus being capable of granting wishes.  He especially shouldn’t fucking be capable of creating genies more powerful than him.  How does that work?  The Shazam-method[1] of magic transference makes more sense than this genie-zapping way.  I’m not comfortable with this.


*This refers to The Power of Shazam comic book starring Captain Marvel, the World’s Mightiest Mortal.  The power of the wizard Shazam is transferred to young Billy Batson when he speaks his name, transforming him into Captain Marvel.  However, when Billy’s sister Mary gets in on this superhero thing, and both transform at once their power is halved.  There’s an infinite amount of Shazam-power, apparently unlike genies who can point and click and turn a man into the most ultimately fucking powerful person in the world.


I was always told that genies are born from mixing the tears of an angel and the semen of a virgin unicorn and allowing them to ferment in dead hooker blood.  In a few hours you should see a little genie in there, overacting.  Genies are like the sea monkeys of the magical world, once you add hooker blood you’re pretty much set.  I find that applies to most any situation as well, not just making genies.

That’s how I heard it at least, the angels and semen and herpes flavored blood, but now I don’t know.  Apparently, any genie can just zap whoever the fuck they want, and poof! there’s a new genie.  And again—not just a new genie, but one even more powerful than he is.

But let’s jump back a second.  Jafar gets tricked into wishing to become a genie thus being trapped with itty bitty living space.  Let’s just assume, for the sake of argument, that Genie can pull that off without punching an angel and jerking off some jailbait unicorns, and just for the record, if a unicorn let’s you jerk them off, they’re not legal.  Back to my point, who’s idea was this to begin with?

Have you been paying attention at all?  I shouldn’t even have to ask this.  OK—whats… what’s the name of the fucking movie?  Aladdin?  Yeah, it was Aladdin’s idea.

So what you’re telling me is that Aladdin is clever enough to trick this evil, manipulative, much-more-tricksie-then-he, power hungry sorcerer—

who, let’s face it, is probably (definitely) going to genie-rape a princess shortly.  Is there such a thing as genie-rape?  This is a Disney movie after all, so yeah, there probably is.  That animation will pop up in another twenty years or so, if there isn’t some amateur version of it kicking around already.  Genie-rape is real, I guarantee it.  Ninety percent of people who visit GasStationBurrito searched ‘jasmine red’ or something similar to get there. 

What part of fuck me do you not understand?

Odds are I’m talking to myself right now because you just clicked on that picture of her and you’re jerking off to that grainy still of naughty Jasmine, because that’s how messed up you are

— into becoming a genie, therefore trapping him in a lamp, but he couldn’t pick up on Genie blowing smoke up his ass about raising the dead?

I’m disappointed in you Prince Abubu.  My turban-feather just drooped a little.  And I mean that just as the animators did when they came up with that balcony scene, when every time you lie your feather droops because you’re blowing your chances of banging a princess.  Jasmine should have just broken it off, clearly you’re not using it.

About mattS

Couch potato, burrito aficionado, whiskey sour drinker, handyman, writer of interesting things.

Posted on May 20, 2011, in Personal, Rant and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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