Never Have I Ever Gotten to Fight Evil Toxic Waste Monsters From Outer Space / part 2

So when they run out of all the trashy teen books I was talking about before to turn into TV shows they have to pull the same card as filmmakers: troll the archives of eighties and early-nineties entertainment.

Case and point:

Fucking Teen Wolf the TV show on MTV.

Initially, I assumed they just stole the name Teen Wolf for the sake of name recognition.  I’ve never seen the show and not for a lack of trying.  Honestly, I’ve tried.  I channel surfed for an hour one night trying to find MTV, and the only channels I found that had anything to do with music were CMT and an infomercial for this kitchen appliance that spins around like a turntable and smooths your bacon as it cooks it, that you can plug your iPod into.

How bad did I just date myself, thinking MTV still played music videos? 

I know it started in 1981, so even I can’t posture such indignation as those only whatever how many years older than me, but it was a big part of my growing up.  Not necessarily by choice, but it was still a big part.  I wanted to watch cartoons and my brother wanted to watch Soul Asylum and Megadeath videos.

Jesus, remember when MTV actually showed music videos?  Even ten years ago they were playing eight hours of music videos a day, and now what’s going on, what is this AMTV?  They show an hour in the morning?  I don’t know if that’s even on still.  They probably replaced that with a show about the pregnant children of teenage mothers in rehab for addiction to snorting bath salts. 

clearly the power of the honorable and much sought after Buzzworth had gone to their heads

Do kids even know that MTV once actually stood for Music Television? 

Yeah, I said it, “Those damn kids today!  Don’t even know what MTV stands for!”

Well, technically, I’m not sure it does anymore.  It’s just MTV now right?  Just three letters that don’t mean a thing.  In ten years a new generation of hipsters will be huddled outside Justin Bieber comeback shows talking about how those letters never stood for anything, that it was all an inside joke or was ironic in some convoluted hipster way that has nothing to actually do with irony. 

fucking flock of seagulls pirate hipsters

It can’t mean Music Television though, can it?   It doesn’t have anything to do with music anymore.   The fact that its entire purpose was to play music videos, drop some music industry knowledge on you, and generally further the ability of music to rock your face off has been completely overshadowed by the chodes, douchebags, ho bags, and stereotypical 15-minutes-fame-seekers who will exploit their being a complete fuck-tard, an empty shell of a human being or getting knocked up at sixteen to plaster themselves across any magazine cover they can. 

I guess it makes sense that MTV would replace all of their music-oriented programming with quasi-reality shows.  I’m sure the Los Angeles Time didn’t coin that phrase in their review of that My Life as Liz show, but that was the first time I saw it mentioned.  Their definition of real people, in their real environment, leading lives that are being in some way dramatized or heavily scripted and staged, seems to apply to everything considered reality television with the exception of maybe Cops

Is Cops even still on?

Anyway—this guy on brought up a good point in this quick little thing the other day about the new Beavis & Butthead including less music because of the ridiculous licensing fees the music industry is insisting on.  I’m almost sympathetic to MTV for bailing on music after that being brought up, since the music industry kind of fucked them first. 

If the options are pay ass-tons of money to a record label to promote said record label’s artists by playing some kick ass mini-movie music videos, or hand a camera and clip on mic to some douchers in New Jersey who will embarrass themselves in every conceivable way, and who will also not only fail to realize that entire world is laughing at them but that the world hopes they contract tertiary syphilis or become the next treeman, I’m probably going to go with douchers I own all merchandizing rights to, as well.

oh.. nope, looked like that back then too

Its business, I get it.  Stay relevant, evolve, adapt to win—all that.  Still, it’s depressing to look back on something you grew up with and find it populated with creatures only describable as horrible caricatures of clichéd twat waffle stereotypes.

Remember in Grosse Pointe Blank when John Cusack goes to see the house he grew up in?  And it’s an Ultimart—-a convenience store.  His childhood home is a 7-11 now, the living room is where they rotate your tires and change your oil now.  You can never go home again, but I guess you can shop there, right?  And listen to Musak Live and Let Die while you do.

And in MTV’s case, make fun of guidos.  And pregnant teenagers.

I’m just packing this full of Guns N’ Roses aren’t I?  There’s Axl Rose over there, some Musak up there.  It can’t be helped.  I blame that on my brother, on having to listen to their albums—on cassette—over and over; watching him tape songs off the radio when the new singles would come out, watching video after video—-and probably taping those too on our trusty VCR (there was a little dial on it to adjust the tracking, you remember that?), listening to him learn November Rain on the piano.  I had a pretty solid GNR upbringing.

I blame my brother for all my exposure to MTV.  I probably wouldn’t have given a shit about music, about any of what I’ve just said, had he not made me watch it.  I would have been watching Pixie and Dixie and Mr. Jinks and shit like that all day.

Man, those meeces were a handful though, weren’t they?

I’ve gotten distracted again…

About mattS

Couch potato, burrito aficionado, whiskey sour drinker, handyman, writer of interesting things.

Posted on August 4, 2011, in Books, Rant, Things I Come Up With While I'm At Work, TV & Movies and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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