Never Have I Ever Gotten to Fight Evil Toxic Waste Monsters From Outer Space / part 3

So I channel surfed for an hour trying to find MTV, but again, I could find no television with anything to do with music. 

I wanted to check out this Teen Wolf show, this desecration of all that Michael J. Fox stands for.  OK, so he stands for more than just teenaged, basketball playing werewolves, like not banging your mom when you travel through time. 

And Parkinson’s. 

I must have watched Teen Wolf a hundred times growing up.  This was one of my movies, one that you always remember watching when you’re little, like The Little Mermaid or Terminator

Honestly, I was shocked years later to learn of a Teen Wolf Too: Electric Bugaloo, and I’ve yet to see it.  I’m sure it’s epically awful, so I really have to pick up that double-pack of the two films. 

By the way, Boof was friggin hot, I’d just like to mention that. 

wrong girl next door---nevermind, I'll take it

It seems to be split down the middle as far as who was hotter, Boof or Pamela, since they’re competing against each other from different categories of hotness.  It’s apples and oranges people; you have the classic sweet and innocent Mary Ann girl next door versus your super hot no way she’s in high school oh shit yeah she is I’m going to prison gorgeous popular chick.  We’ll all have to agree to disagree, whatever our feelings are regarding that.

Moving on, why are you messing with Teen Wolf?!

OK, so it’s a reimagining rather than working into the Teen Wolf universe.  Teen Wolfiverse?  The Wolverse?  That’s it, the Twolverse.  Which means the basic premise of a teenager who is a werewolf is used.

Why couldn’t it be a series-sequel?  I’m not saying I’d like that anymore than this, but Scott Howard would be about the age by now to have a teenage son.  Why not have Scott and Boof get together, they have a teenage son, maybe throw in a daughter for some sibling angst.  Bring back Grampa Harold for the lovable old timer the kid can bond with.  And then, you maintain the Teen Wolf mythos of lycanthropy being inherited.  Maybe by season 3 they can start worrying that the little sister is going to wolf out too and after a cliffhanger season finale they find out it skipped her.

I just came up with the premise in eight minutes while sauced off of Miller High Life, and you’re telling me the creator of Criminal Minds had to bastardize what could have been a true Teen Wolf franchise?

Honestly he probably came up with all that too and it got shot down.

The major flaw is that the chick who played Boof hasn’t acted in 14 years.  She married a Jew and popped out a few kids so she’s out the window.  Highly doubtful Marty McFly is in any shape to reprise his role in any regular fashion, or in any fashion.  I’m not trying to mock him out at all, that isn’t me being a dick for once, but let’s be honest, it wouldn’t happen.  Some people could be disappointed with that, recasting Scott Howard.

Jeff Davis wants a Buffy for werewolves? There, Buffy-cred; you're welcome

You know what we can do after that?  Bring on Nicholas Brendon to play Rick and Pamela’s prom night dumpster baby, because you know she got knocked up after that Beavers/Dragons championship game.  Maybe Rusty Thorne found him that night and raised him as his own, and now Rick Jr. is looking to find his birth parents.

What just happened?

What?  Did I just friggin’ create a TV show keeping with the continuity of the source material and established story with resurrecting Phoebe Cates’ career, hiring her husband and reuniting the creator and star of Criminal Minds, while bringing Jim McKrell back for a couple guest spots as former Principal Thorne and James Hampton as Grampa Harold?

In less then fifteen minutes?

Yes I did! 

I’m the fucking 80s Reboot Whisperer.

I don’t know, I just don’t understand it.  I just introduced multiple story arcs for you work with, all in keeping with the original source material.  What?  Original source material, you say?  What’s that, you ask?

I don’t understand why you even claim it has anything to do with Teen Wolf.  I’m not trying to knock the show, from what I’ve been reading, I actually kind of… want to watch an episode or two.  It’s not a secret, I’ve watched far worse than whatever pile of shit it probably is.  But it’s gotten some fairly decent feedback, enough to intrigue me.

I like what everyone’s saying about it’s a commentary on being a social outcast in high school and Davis want to do his spin on Buffy; to keep it entertaining, relevant, funny but dark.

I get it.

But it’s not Teen Wolf.

That’s just a high school dark comedy about a werewolf. 

If you’re going to do Teen Wolf, do it.  If you’re not, then fuck off.

sooorrryyy.. it's never gonna work..

Why does everyone who wants to do a reboot or reimagining of some twenty year old show or movie or comic or cartoon take the source material, blindfold themselves, and play pin the tail on the donkey with the details and think it’s going to work?  Why do you insist on doing this?

Modernize it, update it—that’s fine.  But that means giving them iPods instead of a Walkman, and letting them drive a Prius instead of a Gremlin.  It doesn’t mean rewriting the entire fabric of the fucking concept and keeping one character’s name so you can point it out and say, “Yeah, yeah, see—his name’s Scott too!  See, it’s the same thing!”

My mom’s not telling everyone I’m a fucking Civil War photographer just because I have the same first name as one.  What?  Is this blog a reboot of the Bible?  I have the same name as someone who wrote a book of that, does that count?

uh--I'm so deep--nobody understands me--because I'm a werewolf

And just for the record, Scott Howard, you know the Wolf, didn’t have emo-eyes.  He was just your average guy.  Never once did he apply guy-liner.  He used his little wolf-teeth to shotgun a beer, and he may have worn a leisure suit, but you know what—it was 1985 and he had every right to.  But never once did he go all Twilighty.

Have you even seen the movie?

Screw this, I’m gonna go get another beer, find my Legos and make a stop-action TV show, and it’s going to be better than yours.

Teen Wolf.

I don’t have much, but you just… you just have to take it all away don’t you?

Not cool dude, not cool.

About mattS

Couch potato, burrito aficionado, whiskey sour drinker, handyman, writer of interesting things.

Posted on August 6, 2011, in Rant, Things I Come Up With When I'm Drunk, Things I Come Up With While I'm At Work, TV & Movies and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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