I’m Taking All My Bless Yous Back
What’s the point? I don’t mean it. Most of the time it’s said is more mumble than anything else. You’re not saying it because you mean it, either. You’re programmed to, it’s reflex. Saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezes is equivalent to someone yelling ‘high five!’ and you slapping their arm; or ‘heads up’ and you duck in the most masculine totally not worried about what’s going to hit you in the face way. It’s reflex. It’s programming. It’s empty. What’s the point?
Isn’t there enough going-through-the-motions out there already? Don’t we already get up and go to work, ask the same questions, get shit from the same types of people? Do we need another instance where we’re continuing a behavior that gives us no reward simply for the reason that we’ve been taught to do so? It isn’t only that there’s no reward, but often times the good intent, the politeness that motivates us, isn’t even reciprocated. No, more than that. It isn’t even acknowledged. How often have you said it and gotten a blank stare? A wordless grunt? A turned back instead of a thank you? But why do it for thanks, for reward, you cry, one should offer this simple blessing only for the goodness felt from the act itself!
Right, fuck off.
If someone can’t even say ‘thank you’ when I say ‘bless you,’ then I take back my ‘bless you.’ You no longer deserve my blessings. And that’s what it is, right? It’s rarely God’s blessing anymore. It’s gone from ‘god bless you’ to just ‘bless you’ or ‘gablesya.’ No, the god is silent in the modern pronunciation.
You have sneezed and I have said ‘bless you.’ I have blessed you. Good job sneezing, it sounded good—that’s what I’m saying with that ‘bless you.’ And you can’t even say ‘thank you.’
Why am I still doing this? Do you think you just expelled a demon and need me to bestow God’s blessing on you? If you need me to bestow anything upon you, I gotta tell you, sneezing out a demon is the least of your problems. Maybe you think a demon is trying to sneak into you when you sneeze, I’ve heard of that one too. Same goes. If you’re coming to me to protect you against demons—coming or going—me saying ‘bless you’ is not what’s going to save you.
You know what? Your sneezes aren’t even real half the time anyway. Can you spell the noise your sneeze makes? Did you make a distinctive ‘choo’ sound? Then that shit ain’t real—cut it out. Stop wasting my blessings.
And your excessive sneezes? Knock it off. You sneeze twice and it’s over, got it? What am I supposed to do when you machine gun off seven sneezes in a row? How many bless yous is that? You know how many? None. You’re taking advantage. Your sneezes are bastard children and my bless yous are the welfare system. Well I’m done. I’m not supporting your irresponsible sneezing anymore.
Ask for blessings elsewhere. I’m taking mine back. Like Mouth at the bottom of the wishing well in the Goonies, I’m taking all mine back. I should be blessing myself anyway. I mean, you just sneezed—did you even cover your mouth? Did you do the vampire? So I’m done. From now on I’m keeping my insincere blessings to myself.