Lois knows what you did last summer, Joan

I pick up the phone.  I know the customer’s voice.  She likes to call and talk about RL Stine’s ‘Fear Street‘ series and to ask about Lois Duncan novels.  Once we tell her what couple of titles for each may be in the store she’ll hang up.  Then she’ll call back and claim ‘some girl’ told her we had every title ever written by those authors on the shelf.  She does this even when the same person answers the phone the second time.  One day I had six conversations with her. 

She calls us liars.  She asks for a specific book, describes the book’s plot at length, and then when we look them up and offer to order them, will ask us to read the synopsis and all available critic reviews to her.  While we’re looking up the first book she’s already talking about the next one.  When it comes to mostly out of print titles this gets time consuming.  She asks us to look up authors and print up a list of every book they’ve ever written so we can mail said lists to her.  We don’t do that anymore. 

She’ll order multiple books at a time and but after weeks of having them on hold will only purchase one or two.  Most of the books she’s read already.  Most of them she either owns already or takes out from the library.  Her name is Joan.  We all know her voice now.

Joan: I need this book by Taylor Lautner.

Me: I don’t have anything written by him.

Joan: It’s about werewolves.

Me: Do you know the actual author’s name.

Joan: Taylor Lautner.

Me: Nope.  It isn’t.

Joan:  It’s called “Twilight’s Fearless Werewolf.”

Me: I see that title, it’s “Taylor Lautner: Twilight’s Fearless Werewolf.”  But it’s written by Elaine Landau.  We can order it but it is not in the store.

Joan: Ok.  Can you tell me what it’s about?

Me: It’s about Taylor Lautner.

Joan: And he’s the werewolf right?

Me: Yes, he’s a werewolf.

Joan: How long would it take to come in.

Me: About a week.

Joan: ….

Me: Did you want—

Joan: I’ll have to call back.