If you’re not going to listen to what I tell you, then why did you ask me in the first place?  This one’s for all those customers that will ask for a book and then question everything I do to find it for them.  I work here.  I have worked here for a long time.  Please, stop judging me only by my incredibly handsome face, I also know what the hell I’m doing.  So shut up, just shut up.  If you were so great at finding books, why’d you even ask for my help?

Guy:  Yeah, can you help me?  My kid wants this book, it’s called Alice, by Stacy Cordially.  And I need some, what are they, wimpy diaries?

Me: Ok, we might have a copy of Alice in our Biography section, and then I’ll take you back to our Kids’ department.

Guy: Why are you looking here?

Me: Because Alice is a biography.

Guy: Oh.  Is it supposed to be here?

I always want to ask them why I would be looking for a book that was not supposed to be here.  Why?  Why would I see that we had zero in the store and go look for it anyway?  How stupid do you people think we are, that we would look for something that does not exist?

Guy: Why are you looking under R, her name’s Alice.

Me: She was a Roosevelt, so it’s supposed to be under R.

Guy: But it’s not there, great.

Me: I don’t know, that’s why I’m looking at the shelf.

I’m muttering to myself while scanning the shelves.  She was born a Roosevelt but married a Longworth, maybe its under L?  Not there, double-check R, just in case.  I know this because I looked at the cover of the book.  This isn’t time consuming research I did, I read the cover.  Problem is, the book came in back in March.  March to December.  We’re three days out from Christmas and this book hasn’t been seen since March.  This book could be anywhere.

Me: All right, I’m going to check in the back for Alice, but I’ll take you back to the Children’s Department, and you can take a look at the Wimpy Kid books.

Guy: Yeah, where are those wimpy books, are you going to show me those?  Where is that?

Me: Yes.  They’re in the… I’m taking you there right now.

We get back there, I point out the newest book and the new blank diary that looks just like the main character’s diary.  That’s pretty cool.  I assumed he would just need the newest book in the series since Wimpy Kid is like crack to these kids.  They swift fury and determination with which they pre-order these books is unparalleled outside of sci-fi/fantasy fandoms.

Guy: We have up until the last three or something, where’s the rest of them?

Me: The rest of them are on the shelf here, they’re numbered on the side, here’s 5 and 7.  Let me check for number six.

Guy:  Aren’t these numbered, who are you supposed to know the order they go in?

Me:  Yeah.  There are numbers on the side.  That’s… that’s the order they go in.  Ok, here’s number six, there’s also a boxed set with five through—

Guy:  But you don’t have book three?

Me:  Why… you said you had that one.  You needed the last three.

Guy:  Which ones are those?

Me:  Five, six and seven.

Despite having them in my hand and holding them out to him while I say this, the guy turns around and starts scanning the shelf, then pulls off books 5 and 7.  I try to point this out to him, but he doesn’t hear me.  He’s searching for book 6, which I had to get from another display because it wasn’t on the shelf.  Which he should know, because he was standing there the entire time. 

Guy:  Well that’s too bad though, you don’t have book three.

Me:  You don’t need… forget it.  I’m going to go find Alice.

That was under C in Biography, mistakenly shelved by the author’s last name, which was Cordery.  I’ll see you the day after Christmas when you want to exchange your Wimpy Kid books for the ones I tried to sell you in the first place.  You won’t have the receipt either will you?