Who doesn’t love burgers—that immortal staple of Americana: the hamburger.
There are few things in life that make one feel as good as biting into a truly beautiful burger. The list of things more satisfying then enjoying the perfection that is the culinary masterpiece of a finely crafted, yet simple, controlled and understated burger is short, consisting of a hot shower, new socks, and a great blowjob (for chicks reading this insert ‘making love and cuddling afterward’ for blowjob and we’ll all be the same page).
If it’s less than that, I might as well go to McDonald’s for their heat lamp soggy cardboard burgers, or Wendy’s for one of their “we’re so unique with our square burgers even though the corners break off when we wrap them up”
Seriously, why not make a square bun? How is all that burger-corner not going to break off when placed on a clearly smaller circular bun and gets wrapped up? It’s possible to make a square roll. I’ve had ciabatta rolls. Those are square, I know you can make a square hamburger roll Wendy. Besides, McDonald’s actually released a square mini-burger in Germany. And do you know what, it looks delicious. Not only does it look delicious, but the burger itself is round. Its a round burger on a square bun. so Wendy, what’s your problem?
Of course, you’re still eating at Wendy’s. That means playing the little “I just ate at Wendy’s can I make it home before my shit liquefies and vomits out of my ass when I think I just need to fart” game, but that’s a topic for another time.
Be wary when offered more than the basic burger accoutrements. You don’t need layers and extras, you just need a tasty burger. This is what makers of shitty burgers need to do to compensate for a fast food burger patty.
If you’re calling it a patty, you shouldn’t be eating it. It should be known as a well grilled slab of meat, or simply meat, and nothing else. There’s no need to try and get creative, its only complicating what should be the simplest thing in the world. Meat. Bread. Grill. Eat.
So back to the point: burgers—half an inch, no less. If you want to go more … that’s entirely fine as well.
Next up, I want lettuce, onion and tomatoes, and let’s clarify this point:
The lettuce needs to be fresh and green, don’t skimp on pieces of iceberg lettuce you pulled from near that little knotty chunk at the bottom of the head. Yeah, that might give you crisp, but its white, I don’t need that. You better just avoid iceberg entirely now I think about it. I want real lettuce, green lettuce; I want a good Leaf Lettuce, some Lactuca sativa var. crispa. And don’t even think about slicing or dicing that lettuce, don’t give me ingredients to coleslaw on my burger. So no chopping, do not chop the lettuce. I want a leaf of lettuce.
My onion and tomato need to be thick slices. Same as the lettuce, there is no excuse for slicing or dicing. I didn’t ask for salsa. I asked for onion and I asked for tomato. I want them juicy and I want them crunchy. I want to hear that onion crack when I bite down and I want tomato spooge and burger juice running down my hand while I devour this entire burger without setting it down once. That’s how awesome this burger should be. I want this burger to be so tasty I can’t bear to put it down for an instant.
I won’t be strict about the type of onion. Your typical white onion is the iconic choice, I know, but when I make burgers myself, I tend towards red onions. But really, as long as I get a couple slices of onion that would make the best onion rings shudder with inferiority and shame, I’m happy.
Of tomatoes I need two slices cut from around the middle of the tomato so each one is as round as my burger. They should be set to resemble the Mastercard logo for maximum meat coverage, an evenly distributed flavor experience.
I enjoy cheese, mushrooms, bacon, ketchup, mustard and pickles, but I’m going to be honest here: I don’t need them.
You know what I need? Honestly, if you can’t answer that by now, I’m not sure why you’re still reading.
I need a fucking burger, that’s what I need. I need a burger, a bun, and some lettuce, onion and tomato.
Everything else? Everything else is really just compensating for subpar baby cow.
And what is that, on the bottom right? Chopped salad—not just lettuce, but salad? You put a bag of chopped salad on a burger?
And what is going on with the one above it? You can’t be serious. You put about two cups of guacamole on that thing, how is that appetizing? And the burger itself is lying on what? A lovely bed of patriotically colored tortilla strips?
Really? Really Red Robin?
What are you doing with this Mt. Olympus burger? Shredded lettuce and some kind of sauce you put on like you’re spackling a hole in the wall, and what is that, green feta cheese? That looks disgusting. And besides, it’s called a Mt. Olympus burger. Shouldn’t it have ambrosia on it, with the marshmallows and oranges, and whatever else is in it? Or is that going too far? Is that getting too ridiculous for you?
I like the square ciabatta roll though, maybe we could buy one of these for Wendy, get her onboard with that, show her that it is possible to serve a burger on a square roll. Even if that burger is this abomination.
I thought we were friends. You made me a cheeseburger once, and it was pretty good. But this? A burger? Did you say a burger? You call this here, and that up there, a burger?
You disappoint me. This has really gotten out of hand.
…and your commercials are friggin annoying too, stop that.