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Eat the Whole Bag, Realistic Advice For a World On Fire

Eat the whole bag, because let’s be honest, that bag of chips is all you can afford for dinner. Guess you shouldn’t have bought that Starbucks as you rushed between jobs.

Finally, the inspirational book of life advice we all really need to survive the dumpster fire our world has become!

Because if you’ve survived high school without getting shot to death by a classmate, and survived college without drinking yourself to death or getting shot to death by a classmate, then you deserve to eat the whole damn bag of chips.

Chances are you’re going to grad school now because that’s what you were conditioned to do. And since you have zero financial literacy and don’t realize you’ll be graduating with tens of thousands of dollars in student debt that will financial and emotionally cripple you for the rest of your life—if you manage to survive grad school without getting shot to death by a classmate or random stranger at Walmart. So go ahead, live a little; eat the whole damn bag of chips.

Go ahead and eat that whole damn bag of chips, because you’re going to spend the rest of your life working six jobs and still earn less than your parents. And through it all you’ll blame yourself, having been raised under the false assumption that if you had just worked harder everything would be ok.

It won’t.

So go ahead and eat the whole damn bag….

After all, the planet is going to literally cook us all alive next week so that the ten people who control 99% of the world’s resources can buy another 100,000 square foot house they’ll never visit.

The updated edition also includes the essays:

“Coffee Will Kill You Instantly…. And Other Things We’ll Tell You the Exact Opposite of Next Week”

“Red Wine Will Cure Your Coffee Cancer…. And Other Things We’ll Tell You the Exact Opposite of Next Week”

“Avocado Toast Is Why You’re Poor”

“10 Things Millennials Have Ruined Because Wages Are Half of What They Were 40 Years Ago”

“Suck It Up, A Cure-All Guide to Mental Health”

“Your Insurance Only Covers WebMD; You Have Cancer”

…and a new poem from Lewis Black called “You’re All Fucked! / Love, Baby Boomers”

The original cover this post is based on is for “Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish”, a collection of inspirational essays from Penguin Books. Based on those who contributed to the book, I have no doubt that these essays are full of actual positive advice from social, political, and cultural icons who have dedicated their lives to fighting for the very things I’ve mocked with my fake inspirational advice book and the essay titles included. For anyone who didn’t find this funny, I’m sorry; I was being foolish, and I was very hungry at the time.

However, I fully support eating the whole bag of chips.

Here’s the publisher’s blurb for “Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish”:

“Graduation day is a pivotal moment. After a lifetime of learning, and at least three years of studying, we’re thrown headfirst into the unknown world of adulthood.

That day – and the months afterwards – are full of possibilities. They can feel thrilling and rudderless, dreamy yet terrifying but it’s the perfect time to reflect on the past and look at what’s still to come.

In this collection of carefully curated speeches, Barack Obama, Gloria Steinem and Tim Minchin and many more share their advice for graduating students who have gone on to shape the world we live in. This little collection is perfect for anyone seeking inspiration, no matter which life stage they’re at.”

And just so we’re being completely honest with each other, I just ate an entire bag of chips while writing this.

The President is a Traitor!

Recently announced by Hachette Book Group is the next unputdownable literary blockbuster by the world’s bestselling author, James Patterson, and co-author, Special Investigator Robert Mueller! Pre-order your copy now of “The President is a Traitor”!

In this gripping page-turner from the unlikely duo of former FBI Director and the master of psychological thrillers, comes the unbelievable & truly terrifying, “The President is a Traitor”!

When a foreign power manipulates the United States’ electoral process and installs its own candidate in the White House, elected officials of both parties have no choice but to look the other way or suffer the consequences of losing their unlimited meal tickets of corporate donations and big business bail outs.

Now, the American people are caught between the government they thought was fighting for them, or taking to the streets themselves to take back the White House when they realize beyond a reasonable doubt, that their President is a traitor!

the President is a Traitor by James Patterson and Robert Mueller

Goobers and Grovers and Sundance Getting Fisher Price Injections

Flashpoint.  Patterson.  Goober.

now this guy's a sniper...

I starting watching the show Flashpoint the other day, and I’ve been really enjoying it.  It stars Hugh Dillon who, in case you don’t recall, I’ve mentioned before as being one bad ass dude.  When he got bored rockin’ your face off he joined a Canadian SWAT team.  He went and shaved his head so he’s pulling this kind of thinner Bruce Willis look.  Anyway, its a solid show, but that’s where the flashpoint came from.

Patterson is on a  cardboard sign above my TV.  It comes from a cardboard display for one of the bajillion books James Patterson released this month.  I don’t know which one is was for, but all it says is “James Patterson, Unputdownable.”  The word unputdownable is a running joke with my friends and I, as is James’ Patterson’s literary integrity. 

Of course, he used to be in advertising, so the fact that he’s been marketed into probably one of the most recognized names and bestselling authors in the universe shouldn’t surprise anyone. And just for the record unputdownable comes up as a typo here.

I also can’t decide if I think he’s a dick or a really cool guy.  I think I’d like to fight him, and then maybe have a drink with him.  I probably have a better chance of winning a fight against him then Gene Kelly, who’s at the top of the list of people I want to fight.  Seriously, I know he’s a dancer, but Gene Kelly in his prime was probably solid muscle, those dancers don’t fuck around.  He was like a not-Asian dancing Bruce Lee.  So I want to fight Gene Kelly in his prime and James Patterson now—I have no problem hitting an old man.

But I’m getting off topic.

Goober I just tossed in there because I wanted another word and that was the first one that came to mind.

I’ve never seen this picture of Bob Dylan with the ‘I can’t sing’ sign, and I was staring at it for a while before I notice Grover popping out of a phone booth in the background.  At least I think its Grover, I guess it could be Larry David…   but is he dressed as a detective?  Oh, that must be his Grover Kent disguise for the whole Super Grover thing.

I think the goober tag is why I found a lot of shit with Grover in it—I tried a search without it and didn’t get any Grover stuff.

The other Grover one that’s worth mentioning is a little third wheel action, literally.

I’m not sure if Grover is technically being a cockblock right now since that’s really Sundance’s girl.  He’s kind of more…Chaperone Grover, no disguise needed.

I’ve always hated that part in Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid, the whole bike thing, and the “Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head.”  I never felt it fit.  And I’ve tried to appreciate it on repeated viewings, but it always leaves me feeling uncomfortable.

The one I really like though is this Evangometer.  Its nice, its subtle—just a little Jesus fish on the bottom.  Apparently whoever is taking the picture was very evangelical.  Or its set like those old Fisher Price Doctor Kit syringes and thermometers, where they’re painted to always look full or painted with a little swirly thing so as you turn it the temperature “changes.”

Whoever was setting this thing off though is pretty hardcore evangelical, but what may be more disturbing is that it goes up to 110.  I mean, only 110?  What kind of super-Christians are these evangelicals?  You’re only planning to go up to 110% for Jesus?  And it says right on there ‘Actual Full Scale’ so isn’t like a tachometer where its really thousands.  You get points for making the thing but you’re losing some on your lackluster performance as missionaries.

Now how does one wear this?  Is this like those bad ass cops that have their badges swinging from their little metal ball chains?  Or is it clipped onto your belt right next to your cell phone, because you’re the kind of douche who wears their cell phone on their belt.  Its OK, I’m not judging, I understand completely, that Tracfone you picked up from the Family Dollar is really heavy—you can’t have that weighing your pockets down, its a serious piece of hardware.

its converting time!

I like to think though, that its really a belt buckle, Power Ranger-style.  They could be the Mighty Jesus God Rangers, but instead of Rita Repulsa their main bad guy could be Enola Evolusa, intent on spreading the evils of evolutionary thought.  Lord Zedd can stay, he looks pretty Satan-ish already, even in his chrome g-string—

You know what, fuck you, yeah I watched the Power Rangers, who didn’t? 

I may also have had a morpher that I got out of my Happy Meal when the movie came out, but its not like I know exactly what box in the attic its in or anything…


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