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The President is a Traitor!

Recently announced by Hachette Book Group is the next unputdownable literary blockbuster by the world’s bestselling author, James Patterson, and co-author, Special Investigator Robert Mueller! Pre-order your copy now of “The President is a Traitor”!

In this gripping page-turner from the unlikely duo of former FBI Director and the master of psychological thrillers, comes the unbelievable & truly terrifying, “The President is a Traitor”!

When a foreign power manipulates the United States’ electoral process and installs its own candidate in the White House, elected officials of both parties have no choice but to look the other way or suffer the consequences of losing their unlimited meal tickets of corporate donations and big business bail outs.

Now, the American people are caught between the government they thought was fighting for them, or taking to the streets themselves to take back the White House when they realize beyond a reasonable doubt, that their President is a traitor!

the President is a Traitor by James Patterson and Robert Mueller

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Goobers and Grovers and Sundance Getting Fisher Price Injections

Flashpoint.  Patterson.  Goober.

now this guy's a sniper...

I starting watching the show Flashpoint the other day, and I’ve been really enjoying it.  It stars Hugh Dillon who, in case you don’t recall, I’ve mentioned before as being one bad ass dude.  When he got bored rockin’ your face off he joined a Canadian SWAT team.  He went and shaved his head so he’s pulling this kind of thinner Bruce Willis look.  Anyway, its a solid show, but that’s where the flashpoint came from.

Patterson is on a  cardboard sign above my TV.  It comes from a cardboard display for one of the bajillion books James Patterson released this month.  I don’t know which one is was for, but all it says is “James Patterson, Unputdownable.”  The word unputdownable is a running joke with my friends and I, as is James’ Patterson’s literary integrity. 

Of course, he used to be in advertising, so the fact that he’s been marketed into probably one of the most recognized names and bestselling authors in the universe shouldn’t surprise anyone. And just for the record unputdownable comes up as a typo here.

I also can’t decide if I think he’s a dick or a really cool guy.  I think I’d like to fight him, and then maybe have a drink with him.  I probably have a better chance of winning a fight against him then Gene Kelly, who’s at the top of the list of people I want to fight.  Seriously, I know he’s a dancer, but Gene Kelly in his prime was probably solid muscle, those dancers don’t fuck around.  He was like a not-Asian dancing Bruce Lee.  So I want to fight Gene Kelly in his prime and James Patterson now—I have no problem hitting an old man.

But I’m getting off topic.

Goober I just tossed in there because I wanted another word and that was the first one that came to mind.

I’ve never seen this picture of Bob Dylan with the ‘I can’t sing’ sign, and I was staring at it for a while before I notice Grover popping out of a phone booth in the background.  At least I think its Grover, I guess it could be Larry David…   but is he dressed as a detective?  Oh, that must be his Grover Kent disguise for the whole Super Grover thing.

I think the goober tag is why I found a lot of shit with Grover in it—I tried a search without it and didn’t get any Grover stuff.

The other Grover one that’s worth mentioning is a little third wheel action, literally.

I’m not sure if Grover is technically being a cockblock right now since that’s really Sundance’s girl.  He’s kind of more…Chaperone Grover, no disguise needed.

I’ve always hated that part in Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid, the whole bike thing, and the “Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head.”  I never felt it fit.  And I’ve tried to appreciate it on repeated viewings, but it always leaves me feeling uncomfortable.

The one I really like though is this Evangometer.  Its nice, its subtle—just a little Jesus fish on the bottom.  Apparently whoever is taking the picture was very evangelical.  Or its set like those old Fisher Price Doctor Kit syringes and thermometers, where they’re painted to always look full or painted with a little swirly thing so as you turn it the temperature “changes.”

Whoever was setting this thing off though is pretty hardcore evangelical, but what may be more disturbing is that it goes up to 110.  I mean, only 110?  What kind of super-Christians are these evangelicals?  You’re only planning to go up to 110% for Jesus?  And it says right on there ‘Actual Full Scale’ so isn’t like a tachometer where its really thousands.  You get points for making the thing but you’re losing some on your lackluster performance as missionaries.

Now how does one wear this?  Is this like those bad ass cops that have their badges swinging from their little metal ball chains?  Or is it clipped onto your belt right next to your cell phone, because you’re the kind of douche who wears their cell phone on their belt.  Its OK, I’m not judging, I understand completely, that Tracfone you picked up from the Family Dollar is really heavy—you can’t have that weighing your pockets down, its a serious piece of hardware.

its converting time!

I like to think though, that its really a belt buckle, Power Ranger-style.  They could be the Mighty Jesus God Rangers, but instead of Rita Repulsa their main bad guy could be Enola Evolusa, intent on spreading the evils of evolutionary thought.  Lord Zedd can stay, he looks pretty Satan-ish already, even in his chrome g-string—

You know what, fuck you, yeah I watched the Power Rangers, who didn’t? 

I may also have had a morpher that I got out of my Happy Meal when the movie came out, but its not like I know exactly what box in the attic its in or anything…

Unputdownable | the Dangerous Newspeak of Bookselling

     Unputdownable.

    Apparently—apparently—according to the company brochure, this is a word that booksellers often use.  While it is not found in every dictionary, they say, it does describe the “greatest pleasure of all”; the book one simply cannot stop reading nor refrain from hand-selling to every customer one comes across.

     No.

     No one who actually works for a living at a bookstore has ever or will ever use that word as anything other than a punch line for how out of touch our corporate handlers who dictate bookselling programs are with actually selling books.

     Newspeak Dictionary 11th Edition IngsocUnputdownable.  Break it down, sound it out.  Think about each part.  Remove a piece and think about what the new meaning would be.  Putdownable.  Downable.  Putdown.  Unput.  Each part and even the word as a whole, rolls off the tongue with a sound so ridiculously reminiscent of Newspeak in Orwell’s 1984 I have to wonder in which edition of Big Brother’s dictionary the folks at Home Office found this word.

     Is it in an attempt to appear of a superior intelligence that they chose this word?  Or simply a desire to use a unique phrase as their calling card?  If it was the former, in order to display intelligence to their customer base all they really needed to say was ‘it was good’.

     “This book was good.  I really liked it.  You should read it too.  The End.”

     That’s all they actually needed to say to get the point across to the average customer.  Even better would have been to use a picture of a thumbs up on the brochure.  They could have saved a lot of money on their pamphlets, not to mention time searching through the dictionary for a word as unique and rare as unputdownable.  It took three booksellers ten minutes and sixteen different dictionaries to even find one with ‘unputdownable’ even in it.  At corporate?  There must have been dozens of unpaid interns and several executive committees to discuss the finding and selection of this miraculous, holy grail of a bookselling word.

     And yes, in the above customer interaction example, it would be necessary to write ‘the end’ or else, as with the calendar of in-store events available at the Customer Services counter, the customer would continue to flip the Recommends pamphlet over, as if waiting for something new to appear on one of the sides of the page.  Much like my roomate realized, pointing to the light switch across the room and saying “Lumos!” will not cause the light to turn on, neither will continuously flipping a piece of paper over will not change what has been printed on it.

     Stop it.  Put it down.  You’re an idiot.

     Perhaps, much like the titles featured in the company recommendations program, that calendar of in-store events is simply unputdownable.  Perhaps it should be the next selection?  It may be so well written, so informative, so engrossing, so gifted in inspiring the need for each and every book club and author signing and story time to take place immediately as the waiting for events a day or weeks in the future could very well induce vomiting and death, that the customer will refuse to believe they’ve truly come to the end of events.  In their desperation they flip it over and over again until eventually the movement becomes slower and slower until they finally reach acceptance with the end.  Perhaps an understanding too, that soon, even before they know it, a new month will be put out and maybe, just maybe, if the heavens smile upon them and the stars align in their favor, this one too will be unputdownable.

     But why not take it a step further and give the customer the most superunputdownablest collection ever?  Why not give them what they truly crave to satiate their endless hunger?  Why not collect each month’s calendar of in-store events newsletter in one complete attractive gold-edged leather-bound edition, available exclusively at your local bookstore?

     Each reading group moderator and story time facilitator could sign the title page, creating not only its very own historical in-store event in the process, but transforming a simple, yet elegant, book into a family heirloom to be brought out at special gatherings and shown with awe and respect to those gazing in wonder as the stories are told of the calamitous Thursday Thrillers meeting at which a pair of dentures were viciously destroyed at the hands of the unspeakable formidability of a cement-like Rice-Krispie treat purchased from the café that was, unbeknownst to the victim, past it expiration date.

     Or perhaps the now infamous Friday Story Time of aught-eight, as it has since become known in bookstore lore, when those children, led in song showed that although mere children, they were happy, they knew it, and yes, yes my friend, they clapped their hands.  It was an experience that was truly…

     Unputdownable.

________________________
Originally published through MattS’ MySpace page back in the day when that was a thing, this post was edited on 12/29/2014 in an honest attempt to make it not suck.

 

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