Blog Archives
So You Want to Work in a Bookstore: Lesson 4 | the Captain (again)
This is the Captain: the Prequel. Christmas 2012. My first experience with the legend himself. If I asked a few of the booksellers I’ve worked with over the years, I’d probably have more stories about this guy than anyone else. He likes looking at the nudies over in our Newsstand. He likes describing them loudly but in his defense, the Captain would do this whether or not anyone was around. That’s makes it sound like he’s not a bad guy, right? Maybe he’s just, you know, not rowing with both oars in the water?
Well, at this point, he’s been told enough times. He’s been told not to describe these pictures at the top of his lungs. He’s been told not to show said pictures to other customers. Whether or not he understands this behavior is wrong doesn’t matter. It’s been made clear that he should not do it. Or at least we thought it was.
I get called over to our coffee shop because there’s someone acting… well, a little weird. He’s been talking to himself for a while, rearranging items on the counter, he went up to someone in line and sniffed them, he’s ripping open sugar packets on the condiment bar and making little Sweet ‘n Low mountains. I watch him for a bit. He sees me watching him. He abandons his Splenda ski-run and makes a b-line for our display of chai tea cartons lined up in front of the espresso machine. I make my move.
Me: Is there anything I can help you with?
the Captain: Oh, what do you want? You’re here to throw me out?
Me: Yes sir, you need to leave…
the Captain: And who are you? You the boss? You’re the captain?
Me: No sir, I’m not a Captain, but I am the—
He touches the brim of his captain’s hat and winks at me, the son of a bitch.
the Captain: You know what you need? You should have some of those marshmallows, those little marshmallows. Do you have any of those back there?
Me: I’m afraid I don’t have any marshmallows..
I’ve been herding him towards the front doors during our exchange. Each time I step in front of his path he adjusts to avoid me, which is remarkable as he refuses to look at me. It’s not far now, perhaps thirty feet or so to the front doors.
the Captain: Let me ask you a question— I’m going! Before, let me ask you, do I have time to pick up a woman? On my way out?
Me: No, you do not have time to pick up a woman.
the Captain: Not even one of these?
He points at a female customer we’re passing and asks her if she’s a librarian. He walks away before she can answer as there are four other women nearby he must ask as well, and I apologize quickly before following after and attempting to steer him left to the doors.
Me: No! No one here is a librarian! I’m sorry about him, I’m so sorry. No, she is not a librarian either!
the Captain: And what about you? Christmas shopping! Huh?
Me: The extent of my Christmas shopping is none of your concern..
the Captain: Hey, let me ask you a question—
Me: Ok, I’m just going to call the cops now..
So You Want to Work in a Bookstore: Lesson 2 | the Captain
A customer who looks like an emaciated Wilfred Brimley comes up to me. I have a stack of about a dozen books in my hands. I’ve just picked them up after trying unsuccessfully for an hour to shelve them. I keep getting sucked into answering phones and helping people find the restrooms. I’ve also directed a few to the front registers, because even after saying “The front registers” they need more detailed instruction on where to look for them. Such as, “In the front of the store. Front. Registers.”
Customer Who Looks Like An Emaciated Wilfred Brimley: There’s a guy up front looking at Playboys describing the pictures really loud. I don’t know if you wanted to—
Me: Really? Again? You’ve gotta be kidding. Son of a b—
I put the books back down. Again. I know who’s over there. This has happened before. I haven’t seen this guy since last Christmas when I had to kick him out because he was asking every female employee if they were sexy librarians. He wears a captain’s hat. He ain’t right in the head.
Me: Sir?
the Captain: What? Reading loud?
Me: Yes sir, you were reading the pictures too loud. You need to stop or you have to leave.
the Captain: Yeah, I could use some fresh air.
Me: That’s a good idea.
the Captain: Hey I want to show you—
Me: No, do not show me anything.
the Captain: Look at that, now that’s a good anus.
Me: Ok, get out.
the Captain: Fresh air.
Me: Out. Let’s go.
the Captain: Trader Joe’s!
Me: I need you to keep walking or I’m calling the cops.
the Captain: No you won’t.
Me: Yes, I will. Let’s go.
As we pass by the front registers on our way to the doors, he stops next to a customer cashing out.
the Captain: What kind of registers are these?
Me: It doesn’t matter
the Captain: N! E! C! Right
Me: Nope.
He drums on the top of the register screen and gives me a thumbs up because he thinks he’s right about the register model.
the Captain: Hey, let me ask you a question.
Me: Please don’t.
the Captain: How long do you think a person could go without breathing?
Me: You’ve been asked to leave before, if you come back in I’m calling the cops.
the Captain: I could use some fresh air.
Me: Get out.
the Captain: HAVE A NICE DAY!
Gas Station Burrito 