Category Archives: Books

And Then She Asked If I Wanted to Hear a Funny

A customer asked me the other night if I wanted ‘to hear a funny.’  Being exhausted and not immediately able to translate I asked, “A what?”

“A funny,” she repeated with a bit of an edge to her voice.  When she spoke it was as if through clenched teeth, and her eyes were suddenly attentive and aware of her surroundings.  Anyone who’s worked customer service knows that’s a dangerous state for a customer to be in.  A feral growl would have been the next logical progression of emotion should I have not suddenly understood she meant to tell me a joke.  I found myself afraid.

Reawakened, A Once Upon a Time TaleGiven that we had bonded already over my enjoyment of and her rabid obsession with the show Once Upon a Time, I knew that whether I wanted to hear her ‘funny’ or not, I was going to listen. 

You see, we’d met earlier that night when she brought the new Once Upon a Time book, Reawakened, to the desk and asked what specifically it was about.  Granted, she had the book in her hand and could easily have answered the question herself, but it was a slow night.  I told her it covered the first season. 

This was disappointing news for her until I quoted Wikipedia’s promise that it would give “fans of the show a whole new look at their favorite characters and stories.”  Boy oh boy did her spirits lift at that news.  She was certainly in for a treat, although the customer in line behind her looked slightly terrified. 

This look of terror was not properly interpreted by my Once Upon a Time customer.

“Aren’t you so excited?” she asked the women behind her, “Do you watch Once Upon a Time?  Isn’t it so good?”

It turned out this customer was not excited since not only was she not a fan but had never heard of the show before.  I was sincerely worried for this ignorant customer, scared she may be mauled in a hysterical fan-rage when she innocently responded, “Once Upon a Time?  I’ve never heard of it, is that a TV show or something?” 

I tried to make eye contact with her in an attempt to signal she should back away slowly and not engage the woman further, but thankfully another bookseller came to the desk and helped her, ending the conversation.

We talked about the show a bit more, I confessed sadly that I was a few episodes behind on the current season and begged her forgiveness for this, and showed her the books we had on fairy tales.  After that we parted ways, her to her crazy and I to cleaning up the crap customers had left all over the store.  I thought we were done.  I was wrong.

“Do you want to hear a funny?”

“A what?”

“A funny.”

“OK?”

“If you’re a Russian in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom?”

“I don’t know.”

“If you’re a Russian in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom?”

“No, I still have no idea.”

“European.  Get it?”

Maybe it was how late in the night it was; maybe this joke really is funny.  I don’t know, but I laughed.  And not just because I was too scared of her not to.

European.  Yeah lady, yeah I get it.  I see what you did there.

Book Nooks and Little Couches / a New Way to Raise Money for Your Classroom Through Donors Choose

Berenstain Bears bookcoversI always liked to read when I was little. I had a great collection of Berenstain Bears books I’d go through over and over, and a pile of Encyclopedia Brown’s from my brother.  Like any other little kid though, I probably enjoyed watching cartoons more—usually while jumping and climbing all over the couch like I was Spiderman. Ok, so maybe I still do that, but now I love to read, too.

I really love it.  And more than that, I need it. I need to read.  I have piles of books throughout my house, shelves loaded to bursting and piled to the ceiling on others; piles on the floor, piles on my stairs. Even old ones boxed up to donate that I will never actually give away.

I like to think of these books, more books than I could read even if I had months to spend on my couch, as my retirement savings.  History, biography, true crime, sci-fi, fantasy, comics, good fiction, bad fiction, James Patterson sell-out fiction.  Anything.  I’m going to keep piling them up.  One day I’m going to read them all.  Every single one.

I have Mrs. Hopkins to thank for this hoarders-esque love for books.

Top Secret by John GardnerMrs. Hopkins was my third grade teacher and actually the daughter of my second grade teacher.  It was a small school.  One Friday she gave me a book she thought I’d like.  The name of it was Top Secret, one of John Gardner’s lesser known kid’s books.  It was a good hardcover copy; brand new, spine unbroken, dust jacket still fresh.  Looking back, Mrs. Hopkins probably bought it herself.

You don’t think about books in your school or classroom libraries when you’re that age.  There’s no thought of where they came from.  It’s a library: those books are part of a library and that’s the most natural thing to a nine year old.  Those books are all meant to be there, and nothing should ever stop that from being a reality.

Now, years later, I’ve seen what schools and individual teachers go through to get the money for those books.  They struggle for each and every book’s spine that some little kid can pass their fingers over as they walk the length of a bookshelf for that one perfect story to lose themselves in.

I didn’t know if I’d even like this book.  Didn’t have any intention of spending my Friday night reading, either, just saying that.  I took it home with me, least I could do for Mrs. Hopkins.  She was pretty cool.

But that perfect story for a little kid to lose themselves in?  That was this one.  Fridays were always TV and pizza night, and we got pop with dinner.  That was a big deal.  Not this time, not this Friday night.  I spent the entire night laying on the couch, my feet buried under one of the cushions and I read that book from cover to cover.  Couldn’t put it down.  Haven’t put it down since.

I’ve seen teachers do a lot to put books in kids’ hands, from grants to cashing in cans, to paying for them straight out of their own pockets.  There’s countless ways they do it, and maybe you can say there’s never as many books or enough money, but they do it.

Donors ChooseJust like Mrs. Hopkins twenty years ago handed me a book that changed my life, a friend of mine is reaching out through a group called DonorsChoose to raise money for her own third grade classroom.  She wants to build a book nook with little kid couches and as many books as her students can read.

Check out the link, hopefully you can give a little to make this happen.  When you enter the code INSPIRE, DonorsChoose will match any gift you give.  Gifts of $50 or more gets you a pile of thank you notes from those little kids whose lives you helped change.

Take a look, share it, talk about it, inspire a teacher you know to reach out through organizations like this.

So thank you John Gardner for writing Top Secret.  Thank you Mrs. Hopkins for finding that book and handing it to me, for smiling and telling me, “I think you might like this.”  I did.  I’ve thought about that book and the impact it had on me every day.  And thank you Mrs. Clabeaux, for being part of a new generation of teachers that are finding ways to reach out to thousands of people so that you might change the lives of as many kids as possible.

Or even just one that twenty years later might remember a book you handed to him one Friday afternoon.

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from Mrs. Clabeaux at 11pm October 23rd:

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU EVERYONE who donated to my project! I put my project up this morning at 10am and not even 12 hours later was I fully funded!!!!  ♥ We are getting $750 worth of brand new books and materials for our classroom library! You have no idea how much this means to me and my students! They will be so happy and motivated that there are so many people who care about their future! You truly have made a difference!!!
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No Goal, Wide Right, and the Cigarette Smoking Man / 100 Things Fans Should Know About Buffalo Sports

previously published on BuffaloSoapBox

There are two new books out on the topic of Buffalo sports as part of the 100 Things series that will make a great addition to any Bills or Sabres fan’s bookshelf.  Or more realistically, they’d make great coasters during the game.

100 Things Buffao Bills Fans Should Know and Do Before They DieJeffrey Miller, who already has Rockin’ the Rockpile and Game Changers under his belt, has compiled one hundred facts and places and inside stories that every Bills fan should know or do.  Miller recounts the best drafts, the worst drafts, the comebacks and the close ones; tailgating and road trips to Canton, the history of the Rockpile and a rundown of training camp at St. John Fisher.  And yes, there will be many mentions of the four Super Bowl losses, but in one chapter, we’re reminded how incredible it was that the Bills did make it to four straight, a feat no other team has ever or probably will ever accomplish.

100 Things Buffalo Sabres Fans Should Know and Do Before They DieSal Maiorana, who has written several books on the Bills as well, helmed the Buffalo Sabres entry into this series.  Maiorana covers everything from what it took to get a team in Buffalo to the Derek Plante goal in the ’97 playoffs, as well as May Day, No Goal, the Party in the Plaza and the coming and going of all Sabres’ greats including Perreault, Ramsey, Hasek and LaFontaine (simply and appropriately titled ‘LaLaLaLaLaLaLaFontaine’—admit it, you were doing the chant in your head anyway).

Each chapter is a quick read, only a page or two each, more than manageable for any sports fan and perfect for commercial breaks or a new bathroom book.  Perfect as gifts and great to reinvigorate the hometown team spirit, these books chart the highs, lows and remarkable moments in between; just what any fan needs as we wonder where the Bills’ season will take them or if the Sabres will even have one.

Just remember…

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Cemetery Gates Media is a publisher of horror, paranormal, and fantasy fiction based in Binghamton, N.Y.

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