Blog Archives

Eat the Whole Bag, Realistic Advice For a World On Fire

Eat the whole bag, because let’s be honest, that bag of chips is all you can afford for dinner. Guess you shouldn’t have bought that Starbucks as you rushed between jobs.

Finally, the inspirational book of life advice we all really need to survive the dumpster fire our world has become!

Because if you’ve survived high school without getting shot to death by a classmate, and survived college without drinking yourself to death or getting shot to death by a classmate, then you deserve to eat the whole damn bag of chips.

Chances are you’re going to grad school now because that’s what you were conditioned to do. And since you have zero financial literacy and don’t realize you’ll be graduating with tens of thousands of dollars in student debt that will financial and emotionally cripple you for the rest of your life—if you manage to survive grad school without getting shot to death by a classmate or random stranger at Walmart. So go ahead, live a little; eat the whole damn bag of chips.

Go ahead and eat that whole damn bag of chips, because you’re going to spend the rest of your life working six jobs and still earn less than your parents. And through it all you’ll blame yourself, having been raised under the false assumption that if you had just worked harder everything would be ok.

It won’t.

So go ahead and eat the whole damn bag….

After all, the planet is going to literally cook us all alive next week so that the ten people who control 99% of the world’s resources can buy another 100,000 square foot house they’ll never visit.

The updated edition also includes the essays:

“Coffee Will Kill You Instantly…. And Other Things We’ll Tell You the Exact Opposite of Next Week”

“Red Wine Will Cure Your Coffee Cancer…. And Other Things We’ll Tell You the Exact Opposite of Next Week”

“Avocado Toast Is Why You’re Poor”

“10 Things Millennials Have Ruined Because Wages Are Half of What They Were 40 Years Ago”

“Suck It Up, A Cure-All Guide to Mental Health”

“Your Insurance Only Covers WebMD; You Have Cancer”

…and a new poem from Lewis Black called “You’re All Fucked! / Love, Baby Boomers”


The original cover this post is based on is for “Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish”, a collection of inspirational essays from Penguin Books. Based on those who contributed to the book, I have no doubt that these essays are full of actual positive advice from social, political, and cultural icons who have dedicated their lives to fighting for the very things I’ve mocked with my fake inspirational advice book and the essay titles included. For anyone who didn’t find this funny, I’m sorry; I was being foolish, and I was very hungry at the time.

However, I fully support eating the whole bag of chips.

Here’s the publisher’s blurb for “Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish”:

“Graduation day is a pivotal moment. After a lifetime of learning, and at least three years of studying, we’re thrown headfirst into the unknown world of adulthood.

That day – and the months afterwards – are full of possibilities. They can feel thrilling and rudderless, dreamy yet terrifying but it’s the perfect time to reflect on the past and look at what’s still to come.

In this collection of carefully curated speeches, Barack Obama, Gloria Steinem and Tim Minchin and many more share their advice for graduating students who have gone on to shape the world we live in. This little collection is perfect for anyone seeking inspiration, no matter which life stage they’re at.”


And just so we’re being completely honest with each other, I just ate an entire bag of chips while writing this.

Advertisements

[Insert Clever Play on Title of Book Here]

An untitled article in which I confess that, apparently, I like to lie in bed late at night and think about Christopher Moore… and I’m not sure that isn’t as creepy as it sounds.

        I’ve mentioned this before, but while I’ve been trying to figure out this story idea and get up the nerve to actually write it, I’ve been reading some Etgar Keret who, as I’ve said, has been exactly what I needed to read style-wise but not I was looking for in terms of content.  It’s also been an excuse to read more Christopher Moore, as if anyone has ever needed convincing to do that.  For anyone not familiar with Christopher Moore, the simplest way to describe his writing is to say he’s the American Douglas Adams, but that may be oversimplifying things.  However, for anyone not familiar with Douglas Adams, I must politely ask you to fuck off.

        Moore is hilarious and absurd but no less a great and gifted storyteller for that, and completely right about everything while being utterly tragic and sad and really just perfect in so many ways all at once.  I may be man-crushing a bit.  Or is it… author-crushing?

        It’s in his humor and absurdity that he truly hits his stride in the sense that he uncovers a truth about life or some fundamental, universal and completely overlooked fact of existing in this ridiculous world in such a way that, while not expecting the moment to come from him (because he’s a funny man, he can’t be sad and real), and not expecting it to be delivered as it is, he makes even an insignificant line or description stand out to you.  Because in dealing with the funny or the absurd, and these comic characters, his imagination is able to look at the simplest things in a fresh way.  A way someone focused on writing realistic (depressing, cold, boring) literary fiction never would.

Click the cover to buy an awesome copy of ‘A Dirty Job’ for yourself

        As a reader, that moment creeps up on you while you read and uncover the words and the world and his meaning and what he’s really saying to you.  As a writer, should you like to believe yourself to be one, you die a little inside because this guy just described something beautifully—more beautiful and true and original then your talentless-serious-literary-fiction-ass could.

“They stopped when he spoke.  One of them hissed—not the hiss of a cat, a long, steady tone—more like the hiss of air escaping the rubber raft that is all that lies between you and a dark sea full of sharks, the hiss of your life leaking out at the seams.”

        Well, maybe I’m being a little hard on myself, and maybe that isn’t even that great a line.  It’s late, I should get some rest. I couldn’t sleep and this is what came out.  And really… No, you know what?  That was perfect.  The way he said it and when he said it and just everything—everything about it.  I needed that.  I needed that reminder…

Follow me on Goodreads for more reviews and to see what else I’m reading….

Book Assault is a Very Serious Charge / part 3

start from the beginning…

And just for the record, you can’t even read the word fuck on the cover.

But that’s not important.  No, the contents overshadow the cover and clearly Adam Mansbach must have been striking his own children while writing the book—how else could he have constructed such abusive and Satan-fueled verse?

Right.

This isn’t abuse.  This is frustration.

Whatever, Anna Smackers—I don’t have kids so I don’t understand—that’s what you said isn’t it?  I couldn’t possibly get the point of why you were so upset, you said.  Well I don’t think you quite got the point.  Do you realize this book is filed under humor?  That it’s intended for adults?

And it’s not as if the guy in the story is actually screaming those lines at the child, we’re coming back to that point.  Did you miss that?  You’re claiming it’s a depiction of verbal abuse, but it isn’t verbal at all. 

Verbal abuse; the trickle-down effect

It must be difficult to be you, Anna, to have such perfect children that you never have to discipline or raise your voice to them.  No doubt without the burden of disciplining your kids in any way, must free up a lot of time for you.  That must explain how you can visit me so much. 

You’re not really allowed to discipline your kids anymore are you?  You raise your voice and get accused to verbally abusing them, you spank them and Child Services is knocking on your door because you’re physically abusing them.  I think a spanking every once in a while might do some good.  How many times growing up did one my parents threaten me with a spanking?  And do you know why?  Because I was being a little shit, that’s why. 

I’m not condoning child abuse—physical, verbal or psychological.  Don’t read this wrong and claim I’m saying you should punch a kid in the face when they get out of line.  I don’t think so at all. 

But getting spanked when I was out of control and past the point of hearing my parent’s verbal admonishments?  Got my attention.  You don’t want to get spanked when you’re a little kid, you certainly don’t want to get spanked in public—and let’s face it, when you got threatened with a spanking nine times out of ten you were fucking around in the middle of a department store at the mall.  You don’t want to get spanked again though; you remember it hurt and was embarrassing, its not something you want to happen repeat.

Spanking; a learned behavior

Of course there are those parents who skip entirely over the verbal portion of attempting to keep their kid in line and begin with the spanking, which is just furious, repeated poorly aimed bottom swatting.  They were excessive, took it too far and ruined it for everyone.

Everyone seems to overlook the psychological aspect of parenting; verbal and physical are the real attention grabbers.  From what I’ve seen parenting is like being at war—war with really tiny enemies who are always hungry but never want to eat what you offer them. 

How many times have you seen a kid throwing a tantrum or not following their parents, and that parent is at their wit’s end?  All that parent wants to do is leave the grocery store.  Its late, they have to start dinner and that friggin kid has been picking up everything; can I have this, can I have that, why not, of course I’ll eat it, why can’t I have it?

What usually happens?  Well first the parent lies to them and claims they’ll buy it for them next time.  Then what?

“Fine, you don’t want to leave?  Well I’m leaving, see you later.”

And they walk away.

things were so much easier when there were kid-leashes

I enjoy watching this because at first the kid doesn’t believe them.  They call that parent’s bluff.  But then the parent walks away, heads for the door or around the corner.  

And then that kid freaks the fuck out. 

There’s usually a panic-stricken scream before that kid tears-ass to catch up, tears running down their adorable pudgy little kid faces.

This is acceptable though.  Well, at least for now.  Complete psychological warfare on toddlers.  You just threatened them with abandonment. 

Where’s the outcry about that?  Instead you’re up in arms because a parent read to their child at bedtime, but was frustrated when three hours later the kid was still up engaging in their own form of warfare.

But it’s OK to threaten your child with leaving them to fend for themselves in the middle of the grocery store because they stopped to check out the Bubble Yum selection.

Go the Fuck to Sleep isn’t about the verbal abuse of children but, rather, the internal monologue that everyone has, not just parents.  Yes, specifically this is the frustration of parents with their children, but more then that it reminds us that steady complaining of children with parents, employee with boss and vice versa, coworkers and friends with one another.  You’re thinking it all the time.

some people's filters are a bit more aggressive then other's

Our conversational filters stop us—some of us, at least—from saying most of these things.  Telling your boss to fuck off, calling your coworker an idiot, spitting in a customer’s food; this book represents the things we don’t say, the things we don’t do.

Mansbach, said it himself, “A lot of these frustrations are not permissible to talk about. We’re not completely honest because we don’t want to be bad parents.”

It’s like admitting you don’t get a joke.  Doesn’t happen, you just laugh along with everyone else.  So no one admits that their kids are really in charge when it comes to bedtime, instead they keep swapping stories with their other child-bearing friends about how perfect their little angels are.

You can’t admit you don’t know how to put your kids to bed, you can’t admit you just spent three hours reading them half a dozen stories because they refused to lay still, or close their eyes or stay in bed.  You can’t admit that they’re in control.

Maureen O’Connor’s all-too short bit for the Gawker is great, and the comments are even better.  She addresses David Arrendondo’s suggestion that to properly understand how offensive Go the Fuck to Sleep is one should should instead consider if it was written about Jews, blacks, Muslims or Latinos.

Personally I think one should be more insulted that out of the four Arrendondo mentions, blacks doesn’t get capitalized, that seems racist.  Just saying.

O’Connor is absolutely right in her assertion that, “Swapping ‘Jew’ into random sentences about children doesn’t mean the aforementioned sentence is offensive. It means that one does not speak to a Jewish adult the way one speaks to a child.”

Can you think about how disturbing it would be  if Mansbach had written a book about how to read a Jew to sleep at night?  I prefer the product as we have it now, even if it does incite (one person) riots in my store.

Friday's Thoughts

Cries. Laughs. Eats. Sleeps. Thinks we should live life like flowers do.

Adventures of a Bibliophile

nevertheless, she persisted

Milk + Beans

Spill it - you know you want to.

Narcissistic MIL

Life with a personality disordered mother in law.

Stories For All

Aspiring Writer. Short Stories. Poems.

The Griffin | Canisius College

The voice of Canisius College since 1933

the716dailynews

THE 716 BUFFALO NEW YORK

Preferred Services of WNY

Proudly serving Buffalo and Western New York for all your home improvement needs.

%d bloggers like this: