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So You Want to Work in a Bookstore: Lesson 2 | the Captain
A customer who looks like an emaciated Wilfred Brimley comes up to me. I have a stack of about a dozen books in my hands. I’ve just picked them up after trying unsuccessfully for an hour to shelve them. I keep getting sucked into answering phones and helping people find the restrooms. I’ve also directed a few to the front registers, because even after saying “The front registers” they need more detailed instruction on where to look for them. Such as, “In the front of the store. Front. Registers.”
Customer Who Looks Like An Emaciated Wilfred Brimley: There’s a guy up front looking at Playboys describing the pictures really loud. I don’t know if you wanted to—
Me: Really? Again? You’ve gotta be kidding. Son of a b—
I put the books back down. Again. I know who’s over there. This has happened before. I haven’t seen this guy since last Christmas when I had to kick him out because he was asking every female employee if they were sexy librarians. He wears a captain’s hat. He ain’t right in the head.
Me: Sir?
the Captain: What? Reading loud?
Me: Yes sir, you were reading the pictures too loud. You need to stop or you have to leave.
the Captain: Yeah, I could use some fresh air.
Me: That’s a good idea.
the Captain: Hey I want to show you—
Me: No, do not show me anything.
the Captain: Look at that, now that’s a good anus.
Me: Ok, get out.
the Captain: Fresh air.
Me: Out. Let’s go.
the Captain: Trader Joe’s!
Me: I need you to keep walking or I’m calling the cops.
the Captain: No you won’t.
Me: Yes, I will. Let’s go.
As we pass by the front registers on our way to the doors, he stops next to a customer cashing out.
the Captain: What kind of registers are these?
Me: It doesn’t matter
the Captain: N! E! C! Right
Me: Nope.
He drums on the top of the register screen and gives me a thumbs up because he thinks he’s right about the register model.
the Captain: Hey, let me ask you a question.
Me: Please don’t.
the Captain: How long do you think a person could go without breathing?
Me: You’ve been asked to leave before, if you come back in I’m calling the cops.
the Captain: I could use some fresh air.
Me: Get out.
the Captain: HAVE A NICE DAY!
So You Want to Work in a Bookstore: Lesson 1 | Joan
I pick up the phone. I know the customer’s voice. She likes to call and talk about RL Stine’s ‘Fear Street
She calls us liars. She asks for a specific book, describes the book’s plot at length, and then when we look them up and offer to order them, will ask us to read the synopsis and all available critic reviews to her. While we’re looking up the first book she’s already talking about the next one. When it comes to mostly out of print titles this gets time consuming. She asks us to look up authors and print up a list of every book they’ve ever written so we can mail said lists to her. We don’t do that anymore.
She’ll order multiple books at a time and but after weeks of having them on hold will only purchase one or two. Most of the books she’s read already. Most of them she either owns already or takes out from the library. Her name is Joan. We all know her voice now.
Joan: I need this book by Taylor Lautner.
Me: I don’t have anything written by him.
Joan: It’s about werewolves.
Me: Do you know the actual author’s name.
Joan: Taylor Lautner.
Me: Nope. It isn’t.
Joan: It’s called “Twilight’s Fearless Werewolf.”
Me: I see that title, it’s “Taylor Lautner: Twilight’s Fearless Werewolf
Joan: Ok. Can you tell me what it’s about?
Me: It’s about Taylor Lautner.
Joan: And he’s the werewolf right?
Me: Yes, he’s a werewolf.
Joan: How long would it take to come in.
Me: About a week.
Joan: ….
Me: Did you want—
Joan: I’ll have to call back.
Gas Station Burrito 